Adjusting my sails…

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I read an amazing quote today: “Why spend time crying about the wind, when you can adjust your sails” (Dan O’Connell).

It’s amazing how you can have a period in your life, say of around 30 hours or so, where things look pretty grim. It can be as if things could not be worse, the situation impossible to navigate from, your issues seemingly insurmountable. That was me, yesterday.

I’ve been unwell and hospitalised and its been the kind of illness that has really taken my legs from beneath me, so to speak. One of those things where you become fundamentally aware that no amount of denial or willpower or determination makes any difference – it is what it is, and acceptance of the situation is the only exit from what feels like purgatory. A good day is just that – not necessarily an indication of conditions going forward and a bad day (like yesterday) has you realising you’re not quite out of the woods yet and that without question, there’s a larger force at play here.

What’s also interesting is while you’re down in that emotional void, realising that you’re really just a leaf in the wind and that there really is a bigger power at play here, a myriad of synchronicities (like that quote) that tend to surface all at the same time. Consider my situation where I have always identified with the tag of ‘strong, independent and capable’ and ‘resourceful, astute, wise’… I don’t think there’s ever really been a situation I have been in whereby with a little application and planning I haven’t been able to navigate through. Until now that is. When an illness takes hold, your ‘powers’ can really feel as if they are totally shut off. When you’re required to hand over the reigns in terms of financial responsibility to your nearest and dearest, when you realise that what ‘was’ is no longer a part of what ‘is now’ and that all the ideas you had have pretty much been put on hold. Then a bill comes in, and a telephone call reminding you about another bill you had and, unable to contribute or fix the situation as you normally would, you succumb to what is going on around you and feel the fear… and the realisation that this is not going to go away tomorrow.

I’ve been asked to consider what it was that brought this on. Yes, the obvious question has been answered by my doctor, however, what is the metaphysical message being conveyed here? What is the universe trying to tell me?

I believe it is my lesson in the illusion of control. The Universe’s chaos theory in full flight. Oh I might be in charge of my little neck of the woods and prepare contingencies for whatever I can (thank god for private health cover), but at the end of the day the control I thought I had is nothing more than a false sense of security. That life is going to do what it is going to do and its up to you to navigate through whatever comes up to the best of your ability, in the theme of ‘its not so much what you do, but how you do it’…. and lets face it: Chaos is just the Universe’s expression of creativity…

For me, personally, I believe this is the most fundamental message I’ve had in what has been a rapid awakening process… about trust, and letting go. Oh I can talk about trust and letting go, but now, says the Universe, it is time for you to walk your talk … lets see how you really are with the trust and letting go thing, shall we? The Universe has a sick sense of humour, I tell you!

I believe there is also a theme of optimal health and nutrition. I have an insatiable almost obsessive focus on what goes in and out of my body much like the parents of a newborn baby. Indeed, it is just like being newborn. How does my body react to this, and to that? Sleeping and eating, is it coping with this particular food, I’m not eating that! Since returning from hospital I’ve learned a lot purely by applying a lot about what I’ve read and researched and in the process my body shape has changed. I cannot drink alcohol whatsoever. I cannot eat fat except for the smallest amounts; and my body craves only the best foods: freshest of fresh fruits and vegetables and legumes; eggs; rice and pasta. I crave nuts, seeds, smoothies and juices; small amounts of either white or red meat and lots of water in conjunction with the addition of beautiful herbs like basil, coriander, cumin, cinnamon, turmeric, garlic, and a very small amount of chilli. What has been most astounding is the very things I am craving are the absolute best things I can have for my liver and what will help it run again in optimal function. It’s curious, because again that was a massive lesson in trust. Eating something toxic is what caused my body to completely shut down in the first place, and I had to retrain it to accept food again – that was a real mind game!

I’ve also been asked to really work out my priorities and what is important to me. Being at home, being present for my children, providing nourishment for myself and then indirectly my family and nurturing myself and my family is what I am capable of at the moment. I’m also blessed with the gifts of being able to write and share on my blog now (this was difficult a few weeks ago). I have benefitted deeply from the effect of calm, uplifting and positive music which has acted as a healing tonic on my body and in conjunction with the food is magnificent. And before long, I will return, stronger and fitter than ever before with the wisdom of even more life experience behind me.

What a journey! And the wind can blow, and I will continue to adjust my sails…

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Being Present in the Moment

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Being Present in the Moment

I had some incredible experiences in Egypt … some of the most amazing things included flying right over Gizah and seeing the Pyramids from the air; standing in front of seemingly infinite hieroglyphics like I always wanted to as a young child, thinking that if I just had the opportunity to stand in front of them, I would understand. That my brain might not understand what it was seeing, but my heart and soul would know. And that’s exactly what happened. I saw what was written, I touched it, felt it, and understood. It took me back to many lifetimes ago, when things unknown to us were common knowledge back then.

I found that there’s so much postulation and ambiguity in ‘the truth’ in Egypt. Egyptologists can’t agree, and won’t; Egyptians themselves aren’t really sure, and some don’t know – especially if you ask too many questions because the answer only leads to even more questions and those answers are lost in time. There’s even laws around what is said and what can and can’t be said; in addition to a requirement for an ‘approved’ guide to take you everywhere and tell you things – things that people have been taught and told to say. But then you stand there, and you look at these amazing structures and artworks and monuments and deep inside your heart knows the truth of what it is.

And I find life is like that. The further you dig both phyiscally and metaphorically speaking the more is uncovered, the more questions are asked and your brain struggles to grasp the logic when the heart just knows.

And you can do your head in with the questions…

I just found it was better to just ‘be’ and accept the gift in the present moment. However they came to happen, these exceptional structures are gifts from the past for us to embrace, accept and show gratitude for. The enormity of the projects undertaken, the attention in the detail, the design execution all indicative of a greater understanding, a more divine intelligence than ours and a great, great love.

When I moved to acceptance, I felt an enormous sense of peace and gratitude, wandering through the Luxor Temple marvelling at what was before me, the Temple itself bathed in the most magnificent light to show of its divine aesthetic features. And out of the corner of my eye I marvelled at the realisation a full moon was out that night and was peering at me through the monoliths of the Temple walls. While these monoliths had seen many, many hundreds of thousands of nights, full moons were less prevalent, and I stopped for a moment, totally present in the moment and captured what I saw in a photograph. The gift really is found in the present.